What If?

NOTE: This is a guest post from my friend Beth, the mother of the little girl “Bug” I’ve mentioned in a few previous posts.  She wrote this over the weekend as she contemplated her baby boy’s arrival on Thursday, April 7, 2011 (he will be born via scheduled c-section due to an emergency c-section during Bug’s birth).

What If?

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Today I am 39 weeks pregnant. Recently, in talking with my hubby, I’ve realized I’m kind of scared to be alone with a second baby in the house. I don’t remember having this fear with Bug at all, and I don’t think the fear is having two kids in the house, but rather that I will choose one over the other and neglect a child.

I love love love my snuggle times in the morning with Bug. She wakes up, we grab her stuffed dog, her blankets, and her sippy and we head to the rocking chair where she sits on my lap, holding her dog, drinking her sippy, all covered up in my lap snuggling with me.  What if, after her baby brother arrives, I don’t get that anymore because I’m nursing him and getting Bug out of bed literally means lifting her out and setting her down?

How do I find a balance in loving my little boy and loving Bug? They’re both my children, they’re both important, and they’re both – more than likely – uniquely different.  How do I spend quality loving time with Bug while still tending to the needs of my son and creating a new bond with him?  How do I incorporate activities for both of them to allow that bond between the two of them to grow?  How to I continue to connect with my 20-month-old child when my emotions will be on full alert, my energy spent, and my attention split in two?

I know I will be fine.  I have wonderful friends and family there to help me.  I have an amazing God who will help me though it all. I know I will be fine, but I can’t help but wonder…what if? And really, it’s the “what ifs” that get us into trouble and make us worry over something that we shouldn’t be worrying over.  God has entrusted into my care both Bug and my son because He knows that I am the mother they need, that I will meet their needs, and that I will be there for them.  He chose me for this moment, for this time…for these children.

There will be days I want to pull my hair out and scream.  There will be days that I’m tired and frustrated and when I will just cry because I am spent and don’t know what to do.  There will be days that I think God is completely crazy for thinking I can handle having two children!

But the key is that I know this will happen, and hopefully I will be prepared for those days.  With friends and family there to help and support and love me, and a God who will never leave me, I can do this.  I will figure out how to love and divide my time between two children.  I will survive this and become stronger for it. And I hope that I don’t let my children, husband, and Father God down in any way. I’m not perfect; I’m not even close.  But I do strive to be the best mom I can be.  That’s what God wants me to be, and through trial and error, I will find out who that is! But sometimes I still wonder…“what if?”

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