A lot of people blog about the joy of being a mother, and all the wonderful things Baby does that makes every sleepless night, tear of frustration and difficult child-rearing decision worth it. And I like to write about those things, too, but there comes a time in a mother’s life when she realizes that not everything about the process of becoming a parent is beautiful and perfect. So today you get a list of the top ten grossest baby experiences I’ve had to date. I’m sure many of you have better ones; I’d love to hear some of them in the comments.
10. Having to wear a giant diaper-sized sanitary pad for a week after delivery due to all the residual bleeding and leakage.
9. Having to spray myself clean with a bottle of warm water every time I went to the bathroom…and getting my hand and arm and the toilet seat wet in the process.
8. Realizing I’d pooped while pushing Little Miss out.
7. Peeing in my shoe in a late-night snowstorm on a deserted mountain road because my pregnant belly pushed too hard on my bladder and I couldn’t hold it.
6. Drinking the sugar syrup concoction on an empty stomach for the glucose test during pregnancy.
5. Cuddling Little Miss on the couch and then realizing my light-blue shirt, her leg and my arm all had bright yellow, sticky, stinky streaks on them.
4. Seeing the amount of soiled cloths and garments in a (HUGE!) pile after the delivery.
3. Standing up to go to the shower after the delivery and feeling the fluids run down my legs.
2. Watching Little Miss playing in the tub happily, then she pauses, then bubbles come out of her bum, followed closely by a cloud of green.
1. Little Miss spitting up warm, saliva-infused breast milk…all down my cleavage.